~Hidden Within~

Many of us keep secrets...secrets of what lies within our minds...our hearts...our souls...the secret may start out very small...like a tiny growth...

Allowing a secret sin to develop over a period of time will block our view of how we are to see Jesus and live for Jesus. I have no idea how long my brain tumor has been lodged just back above my sinuses, but I do know that it has affected my sense of smell on the left side.It could also cause issues with my optic nerves if it grows. The outside of my head looks normal. There are no changes in my facial features...no changes in motor skills...no changes in reactions to things. Inside, a still small growth had begun. I have no idea when it began. It was secret. The tumor nestled in to a bit of bone and remained "quiet" for a period of time.

Our lives and reactions to things can seem to remain the same all the while we hide our secret sin. It will affect areas of our lives, but often no one else may know as no one knew my sense of smell was not what it should be due to the tumor resting on part of my senses.The "secret sin" of the tumor was discovered "by chance" due to my hitting my head on a desk and needing for the pain to be checked out. Had I not hit my head and received a CT scan, I'd have never have found the "secret" of having a foreign object in my head. Secret sins don't remain secrets forever.

As the tumor was discovered, so eventually will a secret sin be. We need to choose to remove it. We need to come before Jesus in all sincerity seeking His forgiveness truly wanting to remove the sin from our life.

Singing once again, "Lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone..." Pray to Jesus to remove that secret sin. Allowed to grow, it will cause problems for the things in your life that are supposed to be there. "Foreign objects" must be removed in order for us to be "whole" again. Choose to be whole in Jesus!

~God of Wonder~

God of wonder beyond our galaxies...You are holy...You are all-knowing...You watch me when I sit and stand...when I breathe...when I fall...and if I had not fallen that Tuesday night, May 3, 2011, I would not have known I have a brain tumor...Yes...I have a brain tumor...it is a benign meningioma lodged in the olfactory area behind my nose...

Lord, you know I have always had childlike faith...when the doctor told me the options (monitoring it as long as it doesn't grow, gamma knife, or surgery of cutting into my skull) I felt fearful...this lady of faith...who has no problems praying for others...believing they will be healed...felt fear...I knew it was wrong to have fear...but I felt it rush over me...

Dear Lord, God...I have a brain tumor that has been there for who knows how long...well You know for how long...it bothers my sense of smell...and a few other things...I do praise You that it is benign...and that it has not caused issues with my optics nerves...or anything major...

But, Father, God...I need to remember that I rest in Your hands...I have cried on Your BIG shoulders many times...for my mom who went to be with You when I was 7...for my miscarriages...for my baby Caleb when he was so ill at birth...for my dad who ran into Your open arms months before Jesse was born...for Jesse who almost died when he was 4 and who continues to have struggles and challenges I never dreamed a joy-filled boy of mine would have due to not having all of his corpus callosum...I have cried on You so many times...I can't count them...and You have always been faithful...always felt Your hugs...Your comfort...

So, Jesus...I come to You...I smile as I think of the song..."Lord I give you my heart...I give you my soul...I live for you alone..." So, I give you my brain...where Jesse is missing something in his brain...I have something that isn't supposed to be there...I give you my brain...the tumor is there for a reason...You know what it is...I pray that under Your control...the tumor doesn't cause me any issues and that it doesn't grow...I do trust YOU...You have NEVER failed me...I DO have faith...faith that You will monitor my brain as You see fit...

I love you, Jesus...thank You so much for your friendship and for Your keeping things in control....

~Oh My Head~

I was tucking Jesse in at night, giving him a hug...when he didn't realize his own strength and he gave me a push. I fell back onto his desk, hitting the edge (maybe corner) of it with my head while trying to brace myself with my right arm. My head had immediate pain as did my arm. I told Jesse what had happened and said good night again.

Quietly I went to the freezer and pulled out a small ice pack to put on the back of my head. I iced it for half an hour. The next day I still had pain...and it continues a third day...but I will survive (grins). All I could think of when I hit my head was how amazing the brain was. The brain is this mass of a Jello-like substance protected by a very hard skull bone. The skull's purpose is solely for protection.

We are similar to that Jello-like mass. Left unprotected we can be easily bruised or molded in a different form. Life situations come at us from all angles. We need protection...we need that Source of hardness.

Allowing Jesus to form around us...holding our "mass" of who we are, we can have that Protection. When life hits us with "hard edges", He is there to take the blow. We can rely on His stability. That is not to say that sometimes the things that hit us in life...or that we choose to be "hit" by...do not affect Him. I am sure He feels all of our pain...the pain that we cannot control as well as the pain we bring upon ourselves.

We need to keep Jesus as the focus in our life in order to maintain the protective relationship for without the "skull" we would be shapeless and totally on our own to be "hit" on all sides. Jesus takes on our worries, cares, hardships, and he loves to celebrate with us in our joys. Thank Jesus that He wants to be there for us always...always caring for us.

See Psalm 91